The Adaptive Curmudgeon, phoning home:
Me: “AAAAAUUUUUUUGGGGGGHHHHH!”
Mrs. Curmudgeon: “I’ve told you to switch to decaf.”
Me: “I HAVE! I’m in Starbucks, surrounded by hipster dipshits, and I’m drinking decaf!”
Mrs. Curmudgeon: “Oh my God! Are you OK?”